The Hard Days;

Nothing will fuck you over more than having a plan or an intention for the day only to have it absolutely shit all over by your offspring in a matter of moments.

Writing to you today in an absolute spiral that I think only my fellow Mums will be able to relate to.

Let me paint the picture for you…

Last night as I lay in bed with a smashing headache I said to myself, tomorrow is Monday and we are going to start the week out right. We’re going to get up at 4:30a.m. start the day with a nice calm breakfast, take my vitamins, journal, do some form of movement, shit maybe even meditate and then I will get all the things organised and then get Quinn off to day-care.

For context I get up at 4:30a.m. partly because I have to and partly because I want to. My husband has left the building for work before 4a.m. therefore I do not have an extra set of hands or someone I can lean on when the toddler has woken and chosen violence that day. I have found that waking before her and starting my day earlier to get ahead but also start my day intentionally and on my terms has been an absolute game changer (more on this later when positive Kressinda returns- today is not that day).

Quinn I imagine last night somehow infiltrated my brain, heard this thought, laughed to herself and immediately said watch me fuck this right up. The morning therefore went like this:

So there you have it, that was my morning. Nothing like what I had planned. All hopes of a mindful and calm morning out the door. I spent the morning completely beating myself up with thoughts such as:

Maybe I just suck at this. Do other people handle these outbursts better. Why couldn’t I figure out what she needed in that moment. Could I not calm her down because I’m not motherly enough. Why does Wade seem to have more control over her. God does she think I hate her. I just left her there so upset how could I do that and so on and so on. I text my husband and he reassured me that we are just in the “terrible twos” and this happens and there was nothing I could have done better (it helped somewhat but I’m not proud to say it didn’t stop the negative thoughts infiltrating my mind).

It got me thinking, did my friends who are Mums experience this, how did they handle it and why haven’t they talked about it. I think that they have but I think like me they probably carried so much shame and guilt around it that they didn’t feel like sharing it (because hey who likes to put that bad stuff out there). I’ve contemplated texting some of them that have older kids to ask for advice but here’s the hard-hitting truth… I would find it less confronting to seek out information online/social media rather than expose myself as a “Bad Mum” or a “failure”. Even as I’m typing these words I’m shocked by my own admission. The real kicker is, that if ANY of my friends came to me with this, I would simply not allow them to talk about themselves this way. I would reassure them that they are the best Mum and are doing everything right. They are balancing so much and are absolute bad asses. So why can’t I extend that same love, understanding, compassion and kindness to myself?

I don’t have all the answers to the above but I did see something yesterday that really hit. It’s a monologue by Laura Dern’s character in ‘Marriage Story’ and it goes on to say how we hold mothers to a different standard and we just don’t accept failings from them- we have to be perfect.

Hit play to watch below- Disclosure there is swearing (if you’re here I’m going to assume you’re ok with that), I haven’t actually watched this movie yet and I do not hate men (also think there are incredible Dads out there including my Husband) or Christians but pay attention to the messaging around what we expect of Mothers.

Perfectionism is always something I have struggled with. Where I will accept short comings from others and can be understanding, I don’t give myself that same grace. That perfectionism has served me well in some aspects of my life however there’s no space for it in parenthood. You have to just accept what is and even if it’s not perfect you need to be able to roll with it and continue on. It’s something I have really battled with- the lack of control.

So what’s the takeaway here… I’m coming to you today exposing my not-so-perfect-parenting reality in the hopes that if you are like me and beating yourself up; that you can read this and give yourself some grace, realise you are not the only woman in the world facing this and we can try and navigate this a little better together. What I’m going to attempt to do:

1. Tonight I’m going to hug my husband and tell him exactly how I felt in that moment and hope to god he tells me I’m a goddam Queen and showers me with compliments and positive reinforcement.

2. Tomorrow’s a new day. Tomorrow I am going to attempt to start my day out the way I had intended today BUT if that turns to shit I’m going to laugh in my sweet little toddlers face (settle down Karens I’m not actually going to laugh in her face) as I just continue wrangling her to Day-care reminding myself that discipline and boundaries are also a way we show them love and care.

3. I’m going to reach out to some of my Mum friends for advice and be unashamed of doing so.

*Update- I messaged my Mum friend who is at the same Day-care to see if she saw Quinn at drop-off because I had a bad morning with her and felt awful leaving her. The report back was: She was sitting up smiling and laughing whilst leisurely eating her Rice Bubbles with her friends… Of course she was!