Mum Guilt;
I would like to unsubscribe please.
Ah Mum Guilt… As I sit here trying to get the ideas that have been circling in my mind now for quite sometime out I will tell you that I am taking pause. Usually my columns are quite easy to write as such they just “pour” out of me. This one however feels like a bigger one to tackle. Probably for a number of reasons but I think the main contributors might be:
Mum guilt is complex and like a Patronus in Harry Potter, everyone’s is individual to them and takes a different shape.
My own thoughts and feelings over this journey on Mum Guilt have changed and I’m still working through things myself.
It seems to be quite a triggering topic and some choose to not acknowledge it (that is completely ok- you do you boo).
I’ve been listening to Stassi Schroeder’s ‘You Can’t Have it All- The Basic B*tch Guide to Taking the Pressure Off’ on Audible. First of all I freaking love Stassi. The scene of her on Vanderpump Rules saying to Scheana “I’m not sure what I’ve done to you but I’ll take a Pinot Grigio thanks” is ICONIC and one of my fav Bravo moments ever. Secondly, if you are a self proclaimed Basic B*tch, love to be chic and have always hustled; this book is for you! Stassi narrates it herself on Audible. Anyway I digress! The point here is that Stassi covers a whole chapter on Mum Guilt covering many different points and it really got me thinking…
Why does Mum Guilt exist and where does it come from? If a huge portion of us can acknowledge that it does exist and it sucks, why haven’t we figured out how to combat it? Do men or people without children think it’s made up? Is societal expectation/stigmas to blame? Or is it some fucked up hormonal imbalance mothers are blessed with? Finally,-why don’t the Dads feel it?
Now let me just say this on my last question above before you all come for me. I have asked my Husband if he ever experiences Dad guilt and the answer was absolutely not. There have been countless other Mums that have asked the same and I challenge you to also do it now. When I asked him this question, I was genuinely curious and was starting to question my own feelings of guilt and when they would arise. Here are some examples of when it popped up for me:
Returning to work full time.
Exercising.
Any time spent away from her including but not limited to: appointments, groceries, shopping (even if it was for her/ our family).
Doing anything fun or for myself.
Being on my phone, reading a book, watching tv (anything where she didn’t have my full attention).
Having dinner on the table late.
Letting her eat chicken nuggets twice in one week.
Work trips away.
Any time a thought would pop up about wanting some time to myself or a “break”.
Any time I complained about how hard parenting is.
Any time I let a meltdown get to me or didn’t “gentle parent” as well as I think I should.
Actually taking a moment to rest and be plagued with thoughts of what I should be doing instead.
Her iron deficiency.
Let’s take the grocery shopping one as an example because honestly this one I find the most surprising and ridiculous and have now worked through it (it still comes up but I now am better at recognising it). I would actually feel real feelings of guilt for taking the best part of an hour to go do the grocery shopping for our family for the week on my own. RIDICULOUS! This one was definitely a sub-conscious one but what I realised was I’d often be saying to Wade “OK I’m going to go do the groceries but don’t worry I should be back in an under an hour”. I’d then hustle to the supermarket, rush through the shop and the whole time I’d be checking my watch to make sure I wasn’t gone too long (what even is too long). I’d text him when I was on my way back and often start with apologising. Now I do also want to say that at no point did my Husband make me feel guilty for this (and honestly who would- it’s a trip to the supermarket not drinking a Pinot at the bar) and he is a totally wonderful/ competent Dad and supportive Husband who would have everything under control at home always. So as you can see absolutely no logic to it, no reason for it but there it was- ridiculous but very real.
Now lets jump to another example I’m still working through: exercise. I feel genuine guilt for taking time away from my family and going to the gym or Pilates or for a walk on my own. I don’t feel guilty if I get it done in the morning before Quinn wakes because essentially that’s my time but I feel incredibly guilty if I do it in the afternoon or the weekend. Whenever I went to the gym through the week I’d just rush through my workout and be worried about getting home as quick as possible! As I said I’m still working through this but this is what I have identified so far:
I feel guilty because if I do it in the afternoon after work Quinn has been in day-care all day and that is taking time away from her.
It means that dinner will be later that night.
I wonder constantly if people will judge me from being away from my daughter especially because I work full time.
I place less importance on moving my body/wellbeing than I do on other things as noted above. *Sheeessshhh that feels a bit dire!
Further to my point earlier about Wade not experiencing Dad guilt, what I realised is, he plays cricket which means Tuesdays and Thursdays he is gone for hours for training. Saturday is game day so he will be gone from say 10:30a.m. til sometimes after dinner time. Occasionally there is a Sunday thrown in there. Important to note, I am supportive of him playing cricket and will always encourage it because I think it’s good for him and we have made many wonderful friends through it. Quinn and I often go and watch. We alter our schedules and I ensure dinner is on the table before training to accommodate.
What I will also say is this… Wade sure as shit isn’t out there about to bowl thinking oh god I should be at home with Quinn. Nor is he worried that other people are judging him and lets be honest, the people wouldn’t be judging him. He will be able to walk off that field, his daughter will run up to him so he will give her a cuddle and people will just go '“awww how sweet what a good Dad”!
Now for the realisation I had a couple of months ago… Our family should be placing the same level of importance on me getting to the gym that we do on Wade getting to cricket. Seems simple right but far-out this took me a while to get there! I voiced it to Wade and he was completely supportive of course. Enter “Wade Wednesdays”. Every Wednesday Wade now takes control of dinner- planning it, making sure he has what he needs and cooking it. What this means is every Wednesday I go to the gym straight from work and have no pressure on me to get home and cook dinner. Therefore less guilt. Let’s also note here, the expectations around dinner are all me and I enjoy cooking. Quinn isn’t sitting there tapping her little Bluey Volleys asking where dinner is at 5:45 and Wade would never! I’m still working through the time away from Quinn piece but this is a start in the right direction.
Anyway while I don’t have the answers to why it exists (I’ve tried researching and there are too many conflicting ideals out there), I think we can all be better at pulling one another out of it. A couple of things that are working for me are: Recognising it for what it is when it pops up, try my best to unpack it, talk about it and lastly but probably most importantly I say to myself is what I’m doing wrong and would I want Quinn to show up for herself and do things for herself- the answer is always of course. So then I focus on modelling that for her.
I encourage you to share your own stories of when the guilt pops up, share the ways you combat it, support your Mum friends loudly when they turn up for themselves and above all remember you are doing your absolute best and that is more than enough! When the Mum Guilt thoughts come up for you try and sit in it and talk yourself through it and share with your partner/support network. Because let’s be honest, a trip to the supermarket or going to work is not a day at the spa or sipping on a Pinot!
